May 2, 2011
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Apologizing and lying.
I read a blog where someone proposed that people who tend to be bad at apologizing are good at lying. I sat there wondering if maybe the people who are good at lying were bad at apologizing...
I think that I'm neither any good at apologizing or at lying. In fact, I'm a terrible liar, it's so obvious-- that I tend to not do it. We're talking about spoken lies here, i am pretty good at lying to myself sometimes. In fact, I'm alright at saying what I want to believe but currently don't... that's another story. Anyway I'm bad at apologizing not because I don't do it (or have difficulty saying "I'm sorry"), I'm bad at apologizing cause I say sorry right away and sometimes I apologize for other people and end up getting in more trouble than them.
I know a guy who is terrible at apologizing to me... It makes me wonder if he just isn't sorry to have treated me that way. It makes me wonder if he even noticed that it hurt. I use to apologize to him whenever he hurt me... any time he said something that was hurtful I would apologize profoundly. I wonder if maybe I did this, I encouraged this non-apologetic attitude by apologizing to him for him. He's told me he was sorry maybe twice. I can only think of one, but I'll give allowances for two.
Maybe I am a good liar. I help people do things that I don't want them to do. I keep thinking that if I give myself up that my feelings will change and maybe I'll start believing in what I'm doing. I try to act the way I want to feel, but I can't help but feel how I do anyway. If my actions were words, the yeah... I might be a liar. So maybe the author of the article has a good point. Maybe I am a good liar that sucks at apologizing.
And then sometimes I lie to make myself look worse than I actually am... I'm not sure why I do that... it just happens. I don't fear the consequences it brings; I don't fear the repercussions that it might bring. I don't fear the pain-- and I end up suffering for it anyway. I wonder if maybe that is the trouble, that if I want something enough, I would be willing to take any kind of pain to get through it.
Hmm... that's side tracked.
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