"I support the missionary's position"
- Captian Jack Sparrow
Uggh:
Whatever...
Append: (May 16)
Oh wait! I found my money. But the other issues still stand.
The day through, I think about how I am alright, don't need it; Don't need my Pride. I have heard the ever popular 'You are better off without it." and though I see the point, I can't help but think that that is wrong. It's sad, but it's over. The next person he falls in love with will be the person he marries and I knew that. But all these years I had hoped that the next person was going to be me.
But in my dreams, I still see it, my Pride and I happy together. And if not happy, at least comfortable. I dream of arguments that are real, that mean something... and I dream that despite them, I am sure that I love him, and he I.
I'm alright. The last time I might have died. Last time I was crippled knowing that for all that I tried to do, wait, give.... I still fell short of THAT. Truly, Envy was a matter of bitter convenience... evil and scheming psychotic BITCH. I didn't understand Envy because I just don't have that kind of experience. Sloth is something I understand better... which makes it more sure... and more hopeless. I'm alright most of the day; with the single exception-- the five seconds after I wake.
From the moment I open my eyes, sadness grips me and for a week straight, I struggle awake with tears forming.
I didn't (and don't) want to dream of a family. It never occurred to me, and sometimes even made me uncomfortable. But Pride brought it up on occasion. The shock of it slowly melted to consideration till at last I had created a reality in my mind; he and me together-- not carefree or perfect, but in love-- with a little one... Someone he loved more than me.
When he took Sloth; that dream became a nightmare-- the joy of it haunted me. It was as if Pride had given me this dream, and in taking it away that way, then killed it. To my heart, it would be just the same as if he had strangled our child with his hands.
Suppose there will be people who rejoice at this news. But I can't despite how much I want to.
Him: "Oh, well I never wear anything when I'm on a bicycle."
Me: "You don't wear ANYTHING?" hint int wink wink.
Him: "Opps. Well I mean I never wear any protection."
- A conversation about elbow pads and helmets on roller-blades and skateboards.
Tomorrow I'm going to be in a plane. Actually, tomorrow and the day after, virtually... ALL DAY... again. Moooo, I'm a cow.
Anyway, I decided to spend 50 dollars to make a man jealous... oh well, monay well spent.
Meanwhile, I wonder how pissed my brother would be if I started hitting on his friends, maybe he can hook me up with one of his dreamy Richmond boy buddehs. I swear, having a popular little brother is a super cockblock. They aren't allowed to hit on me, AND they expect me to be like him-- which I'm not. sniff. Well, a girl can dream. And use her fingers. snark snark.
On a final note, I have decided on Sloth. since I am doing nothing but sitting on my ass feeling sorry for this one. it's not about who, it's about how they make me feel, I guess. and I'm not ready to let go of Envy.
Pride, Sloth, Envy and Wrath. Seems like a good collection.
On another side note: I had this oddly bitter God thought the other day. A bit about my faith, I don't know what I should call it anymore. I was raised as a christian and think that Jesus Christ sacrificed himself for me... and I believe that he blesses me daily, He punishes me, He tests me (for shits and giggles), and I believe that He moves the fates and is awesome and powerful and amazing all that jazz. I just don't believe in a lot of the literal interpretations of the bible might be... anyway, that's not the point and I don't care to discuss religion.
My story is this:
I was telling my mom about my intent on contacting some people with job opportunities. It's not something new: I've been applying and talking and bombing communication for several months now. But since this was the first one my mother had heard much about, she showed an extreme amount of excitement for it. In her enthusiasm, she turns to me wideyed and says:
"If you really want this job, you need to pray for it and God will give it to you!"
And I have no idea why, but my instant thought was: "Why should I? God doesn't give me the things I ask him for. Anyway he wouldn't give me the only thing I every truly prayed for."
The split second I had that thought, I was like, "HUWHUUH?" completely shocked at myself, "Where the f'ck did that come from?"
I'm not usually that embittered a person so it was a totally weird reaction....... I mean, I stand by why I thought it, just not those words in particular.
Internet yard sell... In a month I'm moving out, there are some things that are working and I would love to keep but don't see any good reason to. Is there any one who needs or wants free to cheap shit? =}
For free I have:
A couch (But you have to drive it away)
A wire basket for plants in a canvas pot.
Engineering paper
Notepads
For some moneyz I have:
A small rice cooker
Plates (dinner and sides) [50 cents each]
Bowls (Small soup/salad bowls) [25 cents each]
Collapsible desks [3 dollars each]
A medium sized drinks fridge [10 dollars]
A blue carpet [3 dollars]
A knee high coffee table [5 dollars]
A CRT TV [4 dollars]
A microwave [5 dollars]
A Vacuum [5 dollars]
Eating utensils (Forks, spoons, knives) [10 cents each]
Pots, a pan and Trays [2 dollars each]
An iron [3 dollars]
Self standing lamps [1.50 each (x2)]
Bathroom cleaning equipment (brushes, wipes, towel sponge, half used solutions, bleach, wipes, etc.) [50 cents a piece or $8 for everything]
The more things I clean the more I'm sure I'll find to sell. Let me know if you're interested.
<3 J.
I read a blog where someone proposed that people who tend to be bad at apologizing are good at lying. I sat there wondering if maybe the people who are good at lying were bad at apologizing...
I think that I'm neither any good at apologizing or at lying. In fact, I'm a terrible liar, it's so obvious-- that I tend to not do it. We're talking about spoken lies here, i am pretty good at lying to myself sometimes. In fact, I'm alright at saying what I want to believe but currently don't... that's another story. Anyway I'm bad at apologizing not because I don't do it (or have difficulty saying "I'm sorry"), I'm bad at apologizing cause I say sorry right away and sometimes I apologize for other people and end up getting in more trouble than them.
I know a guy who is terrible at apologizing to me... It makes me wonder if he just isn't sorry to have treated me that way. It makes me wonder if he even noticed that it hurt. I use to apologize to him whenever he hurt me... any time he said something that was hurtful I would apologize profoundly. I wonder if maybe I did this, I encouraged this non-apologetic attitude by apologizing to him for him. He's told me he was sorry maybe twice. I can only think of one, but I'll give allowances for two.
Maybe I am a good liar. I help people do things that I don't want them to do. I keep thinking that if I give myself up that my feelings will change and maybe I'll start believing in what I'm doing. I try to act the way I want to feel, but I can't help but feel how I do anyway. If my actions were words, the yeah... I might be a liar. So maybe the author of the article has a good point. Maybe I am a good liar that sucks at apologizing.
And then sometimes I lie to make myself look worse than I actually am... I'm not sure why I do that... it just happens. I don't fear the consequences it brings; I don't fear the repercussions that it might bring. I don't fear the pain-- and I end up suffering for it anyway. I wonder if maybe that is the trouble, that if I want something enough, I would be willing to take any kind of pain to get through it.
Hmm... that's side tracked.
The person I got this video from asked if black people are morally superior to white people, since it was only two black men (and a Latino I think) who actually stopped after a two hour experiment. I just think I was shocked at the absorbent number of people who were walking past. I don't know that they were afraid to get involved, just in too much of a self-absorbed rush to even think about it. I would like to think that I would step in and do something if some episode that /obvious/ was happening near me. Then I think about all the kids that scream and thrown tantrums in restaurants and I can't help but roll my eyes.
I have to say though, as I was watching this, when those three guys went to go help her, I almost started crying.
Sometimes I take for granted, how much fun I can have with my friends that doesn't involve getting drunk. Alcohol is a retarded social crutch.
I went to a party last week that was BYO. As I was not drinking, my O was 0. When I got there, ready to have fun and be excitable, the first thing I notice were the great turn out of people. Great turn out of girls. I'm an engineer, I don't see a lot of girls in one place, I am not comfortable around a lot of girls-- especially when they act like girls.
These girls, they stood around like vultures. Wings folded across their broad chests, feathers preened and eyes calculating. When I walked it, they all gave me this stare as if I could possibly be ccarrying meat on a platter; and when they saw I wasn't they all returned their painted faces back to the center of their circle.
They were fishing for a free drink. They were probably fishing for a night of free drinks. and at first I thought maybe I should have brought something to share. I glance at my guest then quickly find the host, who had made for himself a friendlier circle. There was a bottle of something dark, rum maybe, in between them all. They were open and exciteable, but for some reason, it was not enough to detract from the catty stares of the girls behind us.
There was everything there for a good time. There was loud music, dimmed lights, lots of chicks with lots of potential suitors. Lots of space, but not too much space... just... no booze. I came to realize that they were in fact not pleased with this party because of it. And the guys who did aproach them were evaluated with a sniff seeing their empty cups.
It was like that for maybe ten minutes. Twenty possibly. The tension was getting palpable. At one point, one of the boys grew so desperate to keep them from flying out of the apartment, that he begged his room mate to share the rum while he waited for his friends to bring him the SOS drinks. Begging-- or any kind of desperation, is never attractive on a man. Or... boy I guess. Once the sacrifice had been made, the godesses favor instantly took hold. And like magic, the boys finally gained some social clout.
Eff that Sh't. Why the does any one /need/ alcohol to have a good time? I hate how some people have to be drunk to be sociable. Or how people use alcohol to feed into this party obnoxiousness. I rarely ever look down on people for social choices, or for personal choices... but I look down on people who need booze lube. I am don't want to be rude, but I've recently been spending a lot fo time with people who are at an earlier part of their life than I am, and the more time I spend with littlen's the more I realize how much of a maturity difference there is between 20 and 24.
I decided to stay till the party livened up. I didn't want to leave when there wasn't any energy. So I sucked it up and just had fun for myself hoping that (like bitchtastics in the corner) my attitude would infect. I am not sure if it did or didn't, I don't know if maybe the crowd got more animated becuase they were more inebriated. But I like to think that my high-energy helped, thankfully there were other equally socially aware individuals around me that encouraged and multiplied my energy with their own. And when things were finally getting very good, I told my friend I was going to leave now that there is some life on the floor.
"Thanks for being the least bitchy girl at this party." C said to me. She had a very appreciative smile and I had to think about it. At first I wasn't sure if it was sarcastic or true since I thought it was an odd thing to say at a party.
Do you see a significant difference in your social attitude when you are drunk? Do you need to drink to have a good time.
So The number one featured article when I started this post was Theo's Question about whether or not you would 'have more sex if....' and I thought maybe there would be some kind of deep insightful question. I was wrong.... as I usually am. Theologians Cafe basically asked 'Would you have more sex if there were no such things as STDs or if pregnancy was not a possibility. I figured, 'eh, that's a fai qeuestion, not quite interesting to me but that's another thing. So just before I navigated away, I thoguht to look at the comments. I don't know who are bigger attention whores, the xangaleberaty, or the posers who comment on his webpage.
Most people said yes. Okay, maybe not most people, but a lot of people. I thought about it and sort of shuddered. Not because more people wanted to have rampant sex and prolly fordy orgies straight out of Huxley (that I kind of understand the urge). What made me uncomfortable was the fact that people are telling the internet that they only say no to sex because they're afraid to get preggers or infected? You are actually holding back from going around banging people cause you don't want to run the risk of STIs or babies...
So then I realized the concept of Theo's question bothered me. Is he really implying that the only reason why people around me don't screw the_insert temp hire of choice here_ is because they're afraid of the diseases. Seriously, I do not want an STI. I will be wary of poeple who might give me STIs. But it's not the fear of some exotic infection that helps me say no to the ballsy boys at the bars at night. II say no because I have d standards, self-respect, respect for those who I potentially sleep with, ... and even (Though I can't think of anything off the top of my head) better things to do with my time.
Though I will underscore, I am writing this assuming he is asking this question to poepl who are not in serious monogamous relationships. These people, I think, have the right to hump like little happy bunnies if their heart so desires.
So yeah, score another stupid blog and sex topic for me to reply to....
Speaking of stupid blog and sex topics. A RANDOM SIDE NOTE:
Strange development in the book department. Got one that I've noticed every here and there that's been hinting it wants to be read. Don't know that I'll give it a shot or anything like that, doesn't look like anything i'm going to read seriously. And it's a funny time to start reading again anyway. So far it's been interesting, well written and quite charming; I'm not a fan of the cover art but not because it isn't pretty, just not my taste. Problem is it's whoa below my reading level; made for little ones-- and not a book I can take to the bars. So yeah, not looking for new books, but thought that tidbit might be interesting.
Which reminds me, I've been meaning to re-read 'Let the right one in' because the first time I did it was in 4 hours on the flor of Borders.
There's.... a possible JLA movie?
Other movies i want to see
S.L Jackson's going to be in a documentary called African Cats...? This I want to see.
There are very few things that I shoot for in my life, and now that I have graduated, the following are the remaining goals that i have yet to attain!
If you couldn't tell, Top Gear has affected my last two life goals.
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