I have serious issues identifying with girls. On a personal level, I cannot for the life of me relate to the stereotypical woman-- and besides the niceties and common courtesy conversations, would never want to. But what I find more irritating than girly-girls acting like girly girls-- are the outspoken self-proclaimed feminists. 

I have no issue with feminism itself-- or the ideals that men and women will contribute and influence society equally: Treated fairly. In my culture and my experience, there is a genuine interest in making this so. Even more than 'making it so', in my exposure-- I have seen it come to fruition. 

I have no issue with women who are proud to be women. In fact I applaud those women who go and work and earn their living off of their own wits and work and education.

What i have issues with are the women who constantly claim they are being victimized by society and accuse men of berating down on them because they carry an extra X. What they may think they want may be quite fine, but the things they ask for or expect men to do for them goes beyond the 'fair and equal' idea behind feminism. Women who act as if their life is being dictated and hindered by men tend to whine and bitch about the little things in life that anyone, male or female have to work for-- 

"I want to be treated better in the office, and they only look down on me because I'm a women."

"There aren't enough female's on the board of directors. Who's going to fix that?"

"Why is it men can get away with being a stud, but women get deemed bitches?"

"I deserve this job because i have boobs."

.... okay wait, some jobs women do get because they have boobs: like at Hooters-- but let's leave this to the general complaint.

You want to know what all of ^-- 'that' is? Women bitching about how men aren't treating them like... well... women. What ladies like this are demanding is not gender equlaity, but fem-superiority. They want to be treated better simply because they are different. That, to me, sounds like being a whiny little girl. 

Which brings me to the concept of the 'double standard' -- While yes, I know that there are situations in which a double standard exists, for the most part people who call out these so described one-sided privileges seem to only victimize themselves and ignore any other sufferings in favor of promoting their obstacles  In many situations, men suffer the same stereotypes that women do-- and ignoring the plight of others who are being stomped on for the sake of 'feminism' only adds to the hypocrisy that is the men/women 'double standard'. You can see it as a restriction in your life, sure-- but being blind to the fact that women are not the only one being caged by societal labels is just embarrassing. 

Life is hard for everyone. Help your fucking self.

In feminist, Frank Lloyd Baum's book 'The Marvelous Land of Oz', he aptly put it: "The women are revolting!". And yes, Baum was a man. 

I think that the Marvelous Land of Oz had a very good message though. General Jinjur (who wanted women to dominate over all the men in Oz), to me is the accurate caricature of the 'self proclaimed feminist'... while Tip and Ozma (who promote gender equality) are what I think of as a true feminist. Ironically, people I would consider feminists, would never consider themselves a feminist. At least, not the modern feminist.

So, despite the fact that I have a career in aerospace engineering with a boyfriend who I split half my bills with and equal working rapport with the men and women I work with, I would never associate myself with feminists.

No one sex should be privileged over the other. 

Reoccurring theme on Xanga girls, I've noticed: "I'm not the type to check my boyfriend's phone but I had that sixth sense..."

This obviously means you are the type of woman to check the bloody phone. This phrase (and similar shit like it) completely irritates me. And yes, though most of the time people who put this anywhere in their blog ends up catching a cheater-- it just accents how hypocritical the 'modern' woman likes to be. Just because you caught your SO's wandering eye, doesn't justify you delving into anyone else's phone. Let's break it down.

"But my sixth sense!"

I understand that every woman has this intuition. And this intuition generally stems from insecurity. and yes, it leads to catching some guy some times.

This insecurity serves a purpose: to tell you that you and he have issues and you need to work them out. You being plural. If a woman has to go about sneaking behind her SO's back to decide whether or not she has problems, then she has problems. Your intuition or your instinct is not a 'get out of jail free' card. Every person has a way to justify their actions-- but a valid reason is not always accompanied with a valid excuse. 

"I not the type to check, but..."

A woman says "I'm not the type...", or "I wouldn't usually..." to mean 'she hasn't already...'. But not having done something does not imply that one isn't inclined to do something. To truly categorize yourself as one 'not the type to check...' it is not enough to simply evade feeling like you should ever need to check a man's phone-- it's wanting to, then physically restraining yourself from doing so. 

Whatever reason you have for wanting to look should not matter in this case. It is simply about 'checking' or 'not checking'. Even if your logic is sound and your suspicions are well founded, you are 'the type to check' if you excuse yourself from restraint even once.  

"Really, I'm not that type."

No one wants to admit that they are actually insecure and needy. Or dominating and sneaky. What they want to say is 'I don't really respect my boyfriend's privacy and I check his messages, but I'm actually a great girl and I don't want you to judge me.' Not that there is anything wrong with being suspicious or simply curious. Just admit it to yourself and admit it to people reading your blog-- and just go about the rest of the story without telling us how 'truly innocent you are'. 

"I found proof on my phone. Now what?"

Go pat yourself on the back, bitch. What more do you want? a cookie? Of course now that the evidence is in your hand, you should go ahead and use it however you want-- but what has that gained you? One assumes that your relationship is already toast, you can end it and that's all. Or you can confront your SO and reveal to them that you did what you claim you wouldn't just to prove to him that he's a skeeze and you sniffed him out. Doesn't really matter what you did with the contents of his phone. 

You already looked. You're already 'one of those girls'. Adapt.

While I don't necessarily think a woman is inherently bad for checking up her SO's messages-- I do think that people need to admit to themselves that they are insecure and they are invasive. I hate people who proudly claim to be something they are not. Hell of a Hypocrisy.

That being said, I think that it's stupid to share phone conversations anyway. Sometimes, we just need a little 'me' space. And your other wants a little 'them' space. Plus it's unneeded stress.

Sigh. So close, and yet so far away.

OMFG--- cake.

This time four years ago, I had spent every day for six months fantasizing my death. I know, morbid way to start a blog Denim!

I can't remember that pain as clearly now, but I remember it being that real then. it was a moment in the three year-long depression that nearly led to my demise. And It was proceeded and preceded by years of an unhealthy unhappiness that I knew would last as long as I live. Thankfully, it didn't last forever. But, Don't tell four-year-ago me that. She wouldn't have believed you.

On Friday, it will be my 10th anniversary since I started this Xanga. And I have kept it almost unadulterated since then to serve as a time keeper in my life. Maybe I'll delete it but there are so many memories in here I can't even begin to explain.

In the past, Xanga had been for me and those who I knew personally-- it was not important for me back then to have readers who I didn't know. Now, All but a handful of those people discontinued their Xangas. and while I don't mind writing entries to serve as a blog, it became more and more a curiosity as to who stays on anymore. I've had a growing interest in getting to know other Xangans. And just by reading Datingish and Healthkicker-- though more particular, Datingish, I've started to notice regulars, recognize names-- distinguish writing styles and personalities by comments left behind.

I'd grown curious about these people. I looked at their private pages. And you know what has occurred to me?

A lot of people on here is or has been seriously depressed.

Maybe it's just the type of people who are attracted to this kind of medium. Myself notwithstanding. Tragic souls make the best artists, I guess.

Hhehh-- I'm cleaning up old Xanga posts and it occurs to me: i use to give really good cyber. lol.

I was reading this, since someone from somewhere stepped on it earlier. and as I read it, I couldn't remember why I had written it. At the very end, there was one comment (from someone I love dearly), and when I read the comment I remembered right away what I had been writing about. Then I started to cry.

I'm realizing with renewed clarity how tragic my life had been back then. How easily I let myself fall into it. And I'm also realizing with renewed clarity how important my friends were-- how their support for me had saved my life countless times. Saved me from myself. I owe them so much.

I'm glad the puppy's grown up, though. And I'm so glad she's got a good Stud now.

Every girl dreams of their 'Perfect wedding', apparently. Except me. I never thought of my wedding day, or proposal, or engagement... or my honeymoon, come to think of it.

Because I've had to think about it:  I have decided that my perfect wedding would be a few hours, in a court, with a paper. Then out the door. Throw myself a party in the house, and then tear off my husband's clothes when I get to the bedroom.

You: "No. Really. Denim-- if you had to have a wedding, what would be your perfect wedding?"

Me: "It would be... with my husband?"

Even in the ideal situation, I could not actually think of a single detail. I couldn't even make one up! I couldn't even imagine my dress! (Though I imagine I would be HAWT in it). It's not that i despise weddings (though as I get older, I'm beginning to develop an minor antithesis for them), it's just the thought of it never ever occurred to me.

Is a church wedding, or a beach wedding, or a banquet hall wedding the best? Do I need a really big cake, and open bar, a lot of people? Do they make ice-cream cakes wedding sized? Do I ask my family, or just my friends? Who the fuck is going to be my maid of honor? -- What do they even do???

Hell: What is the purpose of a wedding?

Too many questions to even begin a logical blog. So let me try again with some essay structure:

Before this year, I have not once thought of what my wedding day should be like. Even to this day, I do not know what a  perfect 'wedding' would be. When I say so, many of the guys around me gawk and say, 'but every girl dreams of their perfect wedding'. Which obviously means I'm not a girl.

As I reflect on things now, it seems logical to hold off planning a wedding unless you had someone in mind to share it with. Up until two years ago, I didn't have anyone who was marriage material. Your spouse's wedding ideas should be put into consideration. Therefore, if you had planned a perfect wedding in your head before you met your SO-- and that wedding was a terrible idea to him, then your plan would be less than perfect. I know: circular logic. But I see this as no different from planning the perfect boyfriend. You can't 'plan' a perfect person. (Unless of course, you're the Rossum Corporation.) Likewise, you can't plan the perfect wedding. And anyway, planning perfection in something you can't create or control is like setting yourself up for the disappointment of a lifetime. Nothing will ever be perfect after that.

That being one thing, more importantly who the hell has the time to plan these things up? I certainly do not want to do it. The whole process seems like a chore, and un-necessary stress, and a waste of money. Not only that, but I feel so disconnected to any forms of traditional weddings that at this juncture I would surmise that the event would be for other people, and not me. Why would I want to do something for other people if it's suppose to be my wedding day-- Have friends over for dinner, and make a small announcement while others do their thing. That's good enough for me.

What about photos in a wedding dress? walking down the aisle? Kissing the bride/groom? 1) I wouldn't mind taking cool studio shots! 2) .... is that special? 3) hhehh, kissing and telling is bad. okay, yes I would like a good excuse to look pretty in front of a camera, but for something we can do just for funzies-- why go through the hassle?

Okay-- so in a way I did think of my perfect wedding. It involves getting registered, signing papers, having my witness take a lot of pictures of us in the waiting room. Then going to get a really nice dinner at a fancy-smancy restaurant with my family and his family and about five or six of our friends (each). And prolly ordering steak-- or lamb chops.

Unfortunately, like i mentioned before, mine is not the only mind that needs to be convinced. I may have hurt my boyfriend's feelings when I told him I really didn't want a wedding. He did say his mother wanted a church wedding. And it's not that it matters to me, but if we end up with a church wedding, I do not want to pay for it. how weird is that? I don't despise the idea of a wedding enough to uphold my 'sans wedding for Denim' policy if it meant that much to my SO's family. It's more just what I want. But if my BF's mom wants a wedding... would it be odd to ask her to pay for it? Maybe she'll see it my way and be cool with dinner and a show.

It's not like I'm anti-romantic. But seriously, what is the point of a wedding other than to show off..? And even if there was a point of a wedding (which I'm sure there are, I just don't see them yet), why would so many girls 'dream' of something so trivial?

O.M.G.... Axel's alive, whaaat? (Fangirl moment) O.M.G the XIII are human, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????

"cuz college [She] ...
would have danced" - W.